In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And
the earth was without mail, and void. So God said, “Let there be mail,” and
there it was.
2 God saw the mail,
that it was plentiful and multiplied, and so God divided the occupant from the
personal. And God called the occupant, “Junk,” and the personal, He called,
“Personal.”
3 Then God said,
“Let there be a postal office, and let it divide small boxes among those who
would receive, though it be more blessed to send.”
4 And God said, “Let
there be stamps, bulk rate, and second-day delivery.”
5 Finally, God said,
“I will make a mailman in my image, after my likeness, and let him have
dominion over the mail, and postcards shall read he them.”
6 But later, the
Lord God said, “It is not good that the mailman should be alone.” And so he
caused a deep sleep to fall upon the mailman, and took one of his ribs, and
made He a mailwoman, and brought her unto the mailman.
7 The mailman said,
“This is now bone of my bones and employee of my civil service. She shall be
called: mailperson.”
8 They both were
naked, except for their bags.
9 Later on, the Lord
God planted a garden, in the lower east side of Eden, and there He put the
mailpersons He had formed, and the postal office of which He had made thee it.
10 After that, the
Lord God commanded the mailpersons saying, “Of every tree of the postal grounds,
thou mayest freely eat, but of the tree of the knowledge of collective
bargainings, thou shall not eat of it, for in the day that thou eatest thereof,
thou shalt surely be attacked by all manner of dog and die.”
11 But the civil serpent said unto the mailwoman: “If ye eat of the tree of the knowledge of collective bargainings, ye shall not die, for God doth know that in the day ye eat of the tree, then, your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing of work stoppages and calling in sick.”
12 The mailwoman
desired the fruit of the tree and did eat. She gave also unto the mailman and
he did eat. The eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were
naked, except for their bags, and so they sewed many fig leaves together,
making postal uniforms.
13 Suddenly, the
Lord God called unto the mailman and said, “Why hide you he in underbrush
thus?”
14 And the mailman
said, “I am looking for my chronograph!”
15 Coyly, the Lord
God said, “Who told thee that thou had no wristwatch?”
16 The mailman
answered, “The mailperson whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the
tree, C.O.D.”
17 Sternly, the Lord
God said unto the mailwoman, “What the hell is this thou hast done?”
18 The mailwoman
replied, “The civil serpent beguiled me.”
19 Unto the
mailpersons God said: “Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of the civil
serpent, ye shall drive in tiny Jeeps, and delivereth all manner of mail to
distant places of dwelling which in turn shall contain multitudes of rude dogs.
I will greatly multiply thy sorrow, and in sorrow shall the mailwoman bring
forth tiny mailpersons. They shall multiply in the earth, and shall be cursed above
all cattle, above every beast of the field, and above all manner of living
thing, except for used car salesmen.”
